Monday, September 14, 2015

Loving Memory

I'll remember you, 
when I've forgotten all the rest.

You to me were true, 
You to me were the best.

For always in my heart

May 25, 1995 – September 14, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2015

Twist of Fate

As usual, for the last five years already, also this evening I'm alone, and I am alone because of an unfortunate twist of fate. 
By this I mean: nothing has happened the way I thought it would.
Ever I was a reasonable content woman, who lived in a comfortable home with a beautiful garden, a dearly beloved pet, and ... a husband. 
I lived with the illusion that I was loved by the person to who I have done everything for.
Those things - which were very dear to me, and also this illusion have been taken away from me. Now I have to live with this reality and - it still isn't easy.

 In particularly this evening - on the eve of September the eight -
this all weighs very heavy to me, because: tomorrow,
I would have been married for 53 years!

Whilst pondering this all, I get overwhelmed by gloomy thoughts. Sadness prevails.
Even, without wanting to, at the most unlikely moments, day or night, in the most diverse places, I can get those nasty pop-up thoughts over which I have no control. I really can't help it, it's stronger than myself.
Sometimes it all becomes too heavy, then I need to get rid of the bottled up stuff, and - so I do that, by venting my thoughts on 'virtual paper'.
So - I sit here in my office room on my desk, and while I'm typing these words on my laptop, I have the feeling as if, 'I - as a person, as a human being', didn't mean that much. It feels as if my whole life has been nothing but a 'dreary play', presented just for someone else’s amusement; as if some kind of '*potboiler or poor playwright' invented my sad twist of fate. 
Actually - already from the start, he really didn't know where to go with the story.
The poor quality of the script proves that it was a real bungler.
So finally - towards the end of the play, the bungler decided to change the plot of the story.
It would never come as far as first planned. He canceled the happy end.
He stunned 'the onlookers', except the insider, no one else had seen it coming.
So the story ended abruptly after 48 years, 9 months and 16 days.
I wonder if this *potboiler / *playwright (*whatever you want to name him) would  be proud of this 'masterpiece'. I also wonder how he would define it :
perhaps a psychological thriller?
Certainly not a novel!.

Actually - I've always been realistic. 
I stood with both feet firmly on the ground. 
I never wished for a perfect partner.
Nobody's perfect – '*me neither' – and *there I am well aware of!
I also never expected an amazing romance, all I ever wanted was - someone who gave back a '*fair share' of the love that I gave.
Was *that perhaps asked too much?

Be sure: relationships don't last because of the good times, they last because "the hard times were handled with love and care". 
And - just in those tough times - you learn to know 'how much' someone really cares about you. Meanwhile, I have learned that I deserved so much better. I've done all I could to make it succeed. Of one thing I'm sure: I should not blame myself! 
However - I must admit, 'in comparison to others', I had it not so bad. There exist 'far worse' cases.
 It was not always doom and gloom!
Luckily we also shared many beautiful moments, and although it has not turned out the way I wanted: 
for the rest of my days, I will not only remember but also cherish the good times.

On my wedding day Saturday, September 8, 1962.
Head over heels in love.
So *naive as could be, *seeing only the good in people. 

A few days later, 
during our honeymoon on the Belgian coast, on the beach of the village called Heist at sea.
The best memories I have about our stay there, are our long walks together along the beach. 
Whilst walking, cheerfully singing and struggling against the strong wind, 
sitting on his shoulders!
That happy moment - I will never forget!

Therefor - I wished - life had a remote. 
Then I would play the easy times in normal speed and pause the good times, fast forward the bullshit in high speed, rewind the good times,
and finally - clear the bad episodes forever.  
But unfortunately ... I can't find a remote.

I hope one day …... the bad times will fade!

PS: with mixed feelings I think back on our stay for the following reasons. 
We stayed there, in the old house of my husband's old aunt on an apartment. It was situated on the embankment. The old aunt lived in the basement. We had little privacy, not to speak about the accommodation, it was in one word 'pitifully'. It was an uncomfortable dirty dark place. The musty smell of the place is always stuck with me!
Even now these days; if I smell a 'stale smell' my mind brings me back to that place.